- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them.
- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front
of you. If you do, the space will be filled by somebody else who will flip you off.
- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered going with the flow.
- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller your chances of getting hit.
- Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one in Massachusetts expects it,
and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. (Exception: If you want your insurance
company to pay for a new rear bumper, then come to a complete stop at all stop signs.)
- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by
passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze
their way back in before hitting the orange and white barricades.
- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in and
gives you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without
ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people
entering the highway.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures that are given only as suggestions and, apparently, are
not enforceable in the Massachusetts area during rush hour.
- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't
mean that a Massachusetts driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go
faster in your spot.
- Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in
Massachusetts.
- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or someone changing a tire.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of High Speed Slalom driving thanks
to the Massachusetts Department of Transportation, which puts pot holes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant
the light changes.
- Never take a green light for granted. Always look right and left before proceeding.
- Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first by any means
necessary. Not only is Massachusetts home to High Speed Slalom driving, but many avid NASCAR
and Formula race fans call Massachusetts their home as well.
- Real Massachusetts female drivers can apply eye make-up and put on pantyhose at 75 miles
per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove their girlfriend's bra or panties at 75 miles
per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- In Massachusetts, flipping someone the bird is regarded as highly as a military salute. As
such, this gesture should always be returned.
- Never pay attention to a yield sign. It is the responsibility of those who are already in
the lane of traffic and traveling at 65 miles per hour to watch out for you and anticipate
your rapid entry into the flow of traffic.
- If you are a recent immigrant to the United States, you are allowed to drive wherever and
however you please. We're just so darn happy to have you here that we'll be willing to stay
out of your way!
- If you come upon a car signaling for a left turn on a one-lane road, instead of driving
around the stopped car, drive up really fast and then brake just inches from its bumper.
Honk, flip off the driver, and make a big production out of having to drive around him/her.
Flip off the driver one more time for good measure, and then accelerate as fast as you can
past him/her
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