Jokes from The Big Book of Jewish Humor

This book is full of gems, and these are just a few.

Yeshiva University decides to put together a rowing team to compete in the Head of the Charles Regatta in Cambridge. Year after year they finish dead last.

Finally , the chairman of the board, exasperated by the team's perennial poor showing, says to the coach, "Enough is enough. I want you to send your captain up to Harvard to spend a few days watching from the bushes to see how they do it."

A few days later, the captain returns from Cambridge and goes straight to see his coach, who says, "Nu? What did you learn?"

"Coach, you won't believe this. At Harvard they have eight guys rowing and one guy yelling!"


Manny, in San Diego, calls Joel,his adult son. "We've got tzuris here," he says. "Your mom is driving me crazy, and she says I am driving her crazy. The truth is, we're both right, so we're plannning to get a divorice."

"Dad, you gotta be kidding. After forty years? You and mom—a divorce?"

But Manny has already hung up. In a panic, Joel calls his sister and tells her the awful news. "Don't worry. I'll handle this," she tells him. She calls her parents, gets her father on the phone, and says, "Dad, this is ridiculous. Don't do anything until Joel and I get there. Pesach is next week, we'll come for the Seder."

Manny hangs up the phone and says to his wife, "Okay, we got 'em for Pesach. Now what do we do for Rosh Hashanah?"


Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with find extra-virgin olive oil, and as we made love, she screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 10 minutes."

The Jewish guy says, "I covered my wifes's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for an hour."

The others gasp. "An hour? How did you make her scream for an hour?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."


Rabbi Helmreich was greeting his congregants after Shabbit services when a woman came up to him in tears.

"What's the matter?" he asks her. "Is anything wrong?"

"Yes! My husband is dead."

"That's terrible," he says. "Did he have any final requests?"

"Actually, he did. He said to me, 'Janet, please put down the gun!'"


At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger was observed crying louder than any of the other mourners. One of the townspeople approached him. "Are you a relative of the deceased"?


"Then why are you crying?"

"That's why!"


An Israeli visiting Paris goes to a brothel and insists on the services of a certain Michelle. He is told that Michelle is unavailable, but when he offers a thousand dollars, she is brought to him, and they spend the night together. The next night the Israeli returns and repeats his generous offer—and again the third night.

Finally, on the third night, Michelle asks why she has been singled out for all this flattering attention.

"Well," says the man, "you see, I'm from Israel—"

"Why, so am I!" says Michelle.

"Yes, I know," the Israeli replies. "It turns out that your grandmother lives in the same building as my parents, and when she heard I was going to Paris, she asked me to give you the three thousand dollars you had asked for!"


A rabbi and a minister were sitting together on a plane.

The stewardess came up to them and asked, "Would you care for a cocktail?"

"Sure," said the rabbi. "Please bring me a Manhattan."

"Fine, sir," said the stewardess. "And you, Reverend?"

"Young lady," he said, "before I touch strong drink, I'd just as soon commit adultery."

"Oh, miss," said the rabbi. "As long as there's a choice, I'll have what he's having."


Bernstein, retired, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Miami when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching. It is a southern farmer with a wagon.

"Good afternoon," says Bernstein.

"Afternoon," says the farmer.

"Where you headed?" asks Bernstein.


"What do you have in the wagon?"


"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"

"I spread it over the strawberries."

"Well," says Bernstein, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream."


Three Soviet citizens, a Pole, a Czech, and a Jew, were accused of spying and sentenced to death. Each was granted a last wish.

"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Pilsudski," said the Pole.

"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Masaryk," said the Czech.

"And I," said the Jew, "want my ashes scattered over the grave of Comrade Kosygin."

"But that's impossible," he was told. "Kosygin isn't dead yet."

"Fine," said the Jew. "I can wait."


After saving her pennies for years, Mollie Singer is fulfulling a dream. She is finally going to Israel. Now that she's getting on in years, her companion, Shaynie, a little white poodle, travels with her everywhere in a little pooch pouch. As she's about to board the El Al plane from New York, the flight attendant informs her that they don't allow dogs on board. In the hustle and bustle of the boarding process, the flight attendant promises to take the dog to the storage area where whey will take good care of it.

After a few hours, the flight attendant remembers her promise and goes down to check on the dog. Looking into the pouch, she is shocked to find that the dog is dead. "Oy," she tells the pilot. "I promised that sweet old lady that I'd take care of her dog—and it's dead."

"Don't worry," says the pilot. "I'll call ahead to my cousin in Netanya, whose brother-in-law lives across from a kibbutz where they breed dogs." He describes the poodle, down to the very last detail—the black spot on its right ear; and sure enough, they have an exact match.

When the plane lands in Tel Aviv, the flight attendant quickly makes the switch and brings the pouch to Mrs. Singer, who is waiting patiently for her luggage.

Mollie opens the pouch and shrieks, "Gevalt! This isn't my dog! Where's my sweet Shaynie?"

"Calm down," the flight attendant says. "Of course it's your dog. You see the black spot on its ear?"

"This can't be my dog."

"Why not?"

"My dog is dead! I was bringing her to Israel to bury."


A Reform rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth.

On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.

The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?"

"Sure," answered God with a smile. "Who can he tell?"