The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not quinine water. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries. You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Woburn, Billerica, Haverhill, Barre and Cotuit. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer. You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and that they're both crooks. You know what they sell at a packie. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call. You can actually find your way around Boston. You get jimmies on your ice cream. Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday. You know what First Night is. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. You have never been to Cheers. When the words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together. You knew that there was no chance in hell that the Pats would move to Hartford. The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools. You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat. You think Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever. You remember exactly where you were when the ball rolled through Buckner's legs. You prayed for the Red Sox to win the World Series—not this season, but in your lifetime...our prayers were answered! and they'll win again this season! You know how to make a frappe. You know what a hoodsie is. You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice cream you can get at Brigham's. You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of traffic down to one. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape." You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger. You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth Plantation, or both, on field trips in grammar school. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language. You've called something "wicked pissa" You see people like Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Dicky Barret (The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones), and Evan Dando (The Lemonheads) in the local supermarket and it doesn't phase you. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie) Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkies, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times. You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round You order iced coffee in January You know what candlepin bowling is You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop You know what a "regular" coffee is You get mad when people order Regular coffee with cream and sugar You get mad when people order regular coffee, and then bitch about the fact that there's cream and sugar in it You know there is a much bigger difference between Roxbury and West Roxbury than just direction. You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's). You think three straight days of 80+ temperatures is a heatwave. All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting." The weather changes from 70 and sunny to 20 and snowy in under an hour, and you hardly notice. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood. You don't think you have an attitude. You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it. Everything in town is "a five minute walk." When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked. You know what a rotary is. You've driven around a rotary seventeen times for pure sport. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness. You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else. You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic and stubborn. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town. Your favorite adjective is "wicked." You think 63 degree ocean water is warm. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood. WHEN WE SAY ________ WE MEAN... Bizah - odd Flahwiz - roses, etc. Hahwahya? - how are you? Khakis - what we staht the cah with Pissah - superb Retahded - silly Shewah - of course Wikkid - extremely Yiz - you, plural Popcahn - popular snack WE'LL KNOW YOU WEREN'T BON HEAH IF: You wear a Harvard sweatshirt. You ask directions to "Cheers." You order a grinder and a soda. You follow soccer. You eat at Durgin Park. You pronounce it "Worchester" or Glouchester." DEFINITIONS: Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER. The smallest beer is a pint. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod. It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah. It's not a trash can, it's a barrel. It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage. It's not a purse, it's a pockabook. It’s not a living room, it’s a pahlah. They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France. They're not groceries, they're bundles. THINGS NOT TO DO: Don't call it Beantown. Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville). Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you. Don't sleep in the Common. Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day. THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new). Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93. It's the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons. The underground train is not the subway. It's the T and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk). GETTING AROUND: Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D. (no J) If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets you're in Wellesley. Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist. All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave., Dot Ave. THE NORTH-EAST-SOUTH-WEST THING: Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The North End is east of the West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more—a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. Backbay was filled in years ago. BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BOSTON (subject to change at any time): When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is available. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork. Always look both ways when running a red light. Honk your horn the instant the light changes. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. Making eye contact revokes your right of way. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Peds have no rights.